Dear parents,

As you know I am now 20 months old, and as such ready to fully participate in any conversations you may be having about your ongoing role as my "parents" . I feel it is important to have clear pathways of communication, and moving forward I would like to start digging deeper in our relationship dynamic, and start exploring ways we can make it work for all of us. to that end I have taken the liberty of addressing some of my more serious concerns.

I will no longer be a silent witness to the tyranny of life! I will have my voice be heard! I will stand and be noticed, and you will hear my words, and the words that you will hear will mainly be "NO" because your getting a lot of shit wrong and a lot of stuff pisses me off. Different things on different days but just in case your keeping score here's a rough count down...Being picked up, not being picked up, when Mummy goes to the toilet, when Mummy cooks dinner, when Mummy leaves me for a any reason that has not been pre approved, having my shoes put on, having my shoes taken off (see also trousers, socks, tee shirts, jumpers and nappy's), being strapped in my car seat, having ANYTHING taken off me (including but not limited too mobile phones, wallets, car keys, sharp knives, matches, lubricant, the toilet brush, my brothers hair, my brothers penis, my brothers thunderbird2 model, dirty used dummies that I've found in the playground...anything that I find in the playground, glass jars, the hose pipe, Granny's glasses, and any improvised baby shiv that I may have got my hands on), anytime mum doesn't have her boobs available to me... that's about it for now, but I come up with new stuff everyday.

Just in the interest of balance (and because I've heard that positive feedback can be a good way to motivate your team)  here is a list of things that make me happy (please read, remember and make every effort to action this list at all times) I am happy when I  am naked, when Mummy has her boobs out, when I am eating, when I am helping my parents with literally anything, when I have a whole punnet of blueberry's ( see also grapes, raspberry's, strawberry's and blackberry's), when Mummy has her boobs out, when I am holding the hosepipe, when I am awake at 3.00am, when I am asleep at 5.00pm, when I am awake at 12.30am, When I'm jumping on the bed, when I'm expressing myself creatively on the walls, when Mummy has her boobs out, When I've got my hands on my brothers toys (ANY of his toys), When I am balls deep in a sand pit, when I am Squishing ants, when Mummy has her boobs out...That's the list for now, but don't get complacent, I have updates everyday.

I appreciate your taking the time to read this letter, and am hopeful that it will inspire you to further your efforts in regards to your "parenting" of me

Yours faithfully

Joymonkey #2 

PS Please could we reschedule "this little piggy went to market" for tomorrow afternoon, I'm working on a really big poop, that I think will have me tied up most of the morning.