Every now and again I get an insight into how eccentric I am, I have an odd out of body experience where I imagine that my children are not mine, and I am meeting them for the first time. There they stand in front of me, both with flaming red hair and angelic smiles, that just about pull your attention away from their invariably grubby faces. Very, very grubby faces... a few days ago just after I put suncream on Joy Monkey number one, he squatted down in the dusty car park and started scraping pictures in the gravel, and then absentmindedly brushed his hair out of his eyes leaving half the car park on his face. I could have wiped it off... I had spit and a perfectly good sleeve I could have used... but I didn't.

To go with his "Stig of the dump" face, #1 has his long red curly hair tied up in a knot on top of his head, which he refers to as his "man bun"...he's 4. the rest of his attire depends on where we are, if we are home, he is naked. Naked except for a huge pair of zip up snow boots that probably wont fit him until hes 7, but his Granny bought them and he loves them, and you try talking a four year old out of a fashion choice. If we are out the chances are still good that he will be at least partially naked (did I mention he is 4?) but if not he will be wearing a Thomas the Tank tee shirt under a woolly blue body warmer, with a huge red tractor on the back, that flops madly around his shoulders and reaches down below his knees (Granny again), next comes bare legs ending with a fabulous pair of pink flashing, sparkly trainers which he calls his "sparkly warkely flashy shoes"...obvs.

As his Mother I feel it is incumbent upon me to stress how absolutely adorable he looks, because he totally does. But strangers are forgiven for taking a second look at this fashion forward ensemble and then taking a wild guess at his gender. Mostly they guess girl, I suppose a muddy, tractor loving girl is more likely than a muddy, long haired, pink shod boy?who knows.

Joy Monkey #2 has less say in his attire and therefore looks marginally less like the invention of a deranged imagination. Marginally. He is also quite frequently naked, because he is 20 months, and 20 month year olds should always be naked, because its CUTE. end of.

If the eccentricity's stopped at their wardrobe that would be one thing, but then they talk, they will.not.stop.talking. and then you really realize, Wow, these kids are being raised by stone cold nutters. Tonight just before going to bed #2 said

"I'm just going to pee on my dead plant. CAPISHE?" It was at that moment i floated out of my body and imagined this was my first introduction to this feral looking child, and i thought

"who are this kids parents?!"