I would like to write honestly about how I parent, and my reasons for choosing the path that I have. But i find it very difficult, when you choose to do something in a radically different way to your peers, its very hard to avoid coming across like your judging other people by default of turning your back on the status quo. I have had a number of interactions with other parents where they have either acted defensively or apologetically on hearing about my approach to parenting. Neither of these reactions is necessary, my choices are not implicitly attacking your choices or judging your ideals and beliefs. there is no way of knowing (or assessing) who is getting it "right" because there is no "right choice" there are just choices. That is one of the hardest things about living in this society the way we do, we are no longer a community unit following the accepted wisdom and following the same "rules" as everybody else.

 In our tribal history there would have been a right way to have a baby and raise a child. We would have seen our elders do it as children and we would watch our peers do it as young adults, and when it came time for us to make babies there would have been a natural order and rhythm that would beat through the collective heart of our community. I'm not saying these tribal communities always took a great line in their parenting choices, it doesn't take much research to uncover some truly weird parenting traditions, foot binding, head binding, cradle boards are some good examples, but at least they collectively made these odd choices together. We do not have that togetherness.

 the first important choice you may have to make as a parent is weather to even allow your body to go into labour of its own accord, that surely should be a given, but it is not. Being put in a position where you feel you have to own a choice about when your baby is born is very odd. My sister in law didn't even get to her due date before they started inducing her under medical advice, because her baby was "too big". She was 19 and the Dr's said it was her choice, but her and the baby would be at risk it she didn't submit to being induced. Some choice. She was induced for two weeks until finally the baby was born by emergency c-section, not because baby was too big, but because the baby's head was in the wrong position, very likely as a result of Mum laying on her back for the previous two weeks trying to be induced! I feel very sad that my sister in law went through this, she was given an impossible choice, what Mother would feel comfortable going against medical advice when your told your baby could be in danger? But she was forced to make that choice.

 Even breast feeding your child has become a politicized choice that you make, even if there are no issues with breastfeeding your child and everything is going smoothly, if you continue breastfeeding you are choosing to breastfeed. Midwives and Health visitors would look at my chart and say
"So i see your choosing to breastfeed..." and I wanted to scream at them
"I'm not choosing to breastfeed, I'm just feeding!" I had a hard time breastfeeding my first, it was by no means smooth sailing and I had to work hard at it and luckily I had excellent support from family and midwives, but again and again I came up against the fact that i was choosing to put myself through this, there was another option... I'm pretty feisty so nobody pushed the alternative option too much at me, but going back to my Sister in law, a midwife turned up at her door 3 days after the baby was born, with bottles, formula and sterilizing equipment! I cant imagine struggling through night feeds, poor latch, cluster feeding and bleeding nipples with a pile of bottles and formula sitting on the counter with a big neon sign pointing down at them saying
"THIS IS YOUR CHOICE SWEETHEART, THERE IS AN EASIER WAY..." She will forever be my hero that continued breastfeeding. It was made explicitly clear that she was making a choice (at the time the harder choice), and I think she chose right.

 Beyond those seemingly "basic" things our parenting choices are by no means a given, we all have to navigate our way through a myriad of options, hospital birth, midwife led unit, birth centre, home birth, birth pool, elective c-section, Epidural, no pain relief, hire a doula, free birth, lotus birth...and that's just getting the baby out! Things don't seem to be getting any easier or instinctive as our children grow, and I'm still having to make choices about nearly every aspect of how we raise them. We have awkward conversations with grandparents where we specifically outline how we would like them to treat our children in an array of different circumstances, we feel we can leave nothing to chance because then the whole experiment of our parenting will be void. the results will be forever skewed by the plastic flashing noisy toy that their grandmother bought them that overstimulated them, and crucially, didn't go with the design aesthetic in our living room... I choose to provide my children with wooden open ended toys because I believe they are better for fine motor skills, imagination, creativity, problem solving and are more environmentally friendly, my mother in law cant get her head around why I would only want my kids to have wooden blocks to play with when there are so many awesome blinky, flashy, plasticy, neon toys available. I find it very hard to explain with sounding like a judgmental, weirdo, hippy, tosser... which to be honest I am, so that probably why.

 Food is also difficult to explain without inadvertently causing offence
"Why don't you eat meat and dairy?"
"I believe its a cruel industry that treats animals like machines, with the added bonus that the health implications of consuming animal products will likely take years off your life...but I totally respect your choice to feed your children whatever you think is best"
 
My latest conundrum that Ive been racking my brains over is how much screen time to give my kids, as an example I will tell you what different choices my closest friends have made... unlimited screen time with no content restriction, zero screen time, Unlimited screen time with only specific content available, restricted screen time with only educational content, flexible screen time taking the cue from the child, a strict one hour a day rule that covers both games and TV... now bare in mind these are my closest friends with a parenting ethos that is close to mine (or as close as it can be in this peculiar western culture) who of us is making the right choice? How on earth will we know? and how do we decide?

 I feel like i am making so many decisions that are slightly different (wooden toys) or wildly different (I home school) from the norm, but I am living on a wing and a prayer just as much as everybody else, I have no answers only questions, so if you ever read a future blog post by me, and I say something that makes you think I'm an utter wanker...your probably right, but please don't feel threatened, judged, offended, guilty, supercilious or whatever else you may feel, I've only been given the same options you have and I've only chosen what I think is best just like you have. But doesn't it suck sometimes that we have to own those choices?